I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
