sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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