Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
