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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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