and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
