The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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