11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
