the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
