I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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