I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Are these your boobs on my camera?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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