I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
