Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
