the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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