Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
