took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
