Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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