I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
