im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
