i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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