Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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