Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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