just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
