Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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