Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
