i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
