you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
