Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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