my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
