Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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