When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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