got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
