Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
