i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
