her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
