She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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