You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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