I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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