Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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