Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
