please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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