Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
