you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
