3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
