So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
