you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
