I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
