We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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