We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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