her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
