im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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