Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
