listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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