i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
