I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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