6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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