Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
